im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize