Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize