oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
