And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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