she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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