you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
