3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
