He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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