What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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