my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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