you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is Oprah even human
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
