Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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