I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
