I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
