Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
