dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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