It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i think i just lost a toe
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
