shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Everything about him screamed your future.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
