Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
