Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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