He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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