I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
