sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
