I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
