My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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