I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
