Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
