omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
