That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So vagazzling was a success
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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