ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
