I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day šš#pensacolaproblems
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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