We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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