she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
