He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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