Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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