just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
