he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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