He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
