Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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