I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
