I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
