I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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