someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
