my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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