Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
