Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
