What did we do last night that was yellow?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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