question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
