she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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