I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
