ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
