And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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