In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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