The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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