How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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