Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
