A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
