the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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