apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
