I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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